RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[montage of me giving-up]
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit