@simoncholland If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
@dyldonot RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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@simoncholland 
@Brianhopecomedy My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
@Swain_Train47 Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
@RealSamHarwood Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
@SortaBad me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
@Robinbuble If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
@MiniiG If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
@KalvinMacleod INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
@ItsAndyRyan “How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
@DancesWithTamis “Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”