If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”