Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets