Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry