Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m not proud
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
i can’t wait that long
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
cats when you pet them too long: