Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.