Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and