@rn_murse

reduce, reuse, recycle

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@Ygrene

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

@ericsshadow

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@Writepop

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

@joe_binkley

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

@omgshuddup

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@beisswrandon

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

@RodLacroix

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.