reduce, reuse, recycle
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.