Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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when nothing goes right… go left
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON