Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The Backseat Boys
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.