[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You Might Also Like
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about