*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.