[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.