Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The three genders.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.