*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.