“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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A friend sent me this.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…