Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy