Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome