Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.