Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
True freaking story!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*