@MohitSharmaSays

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

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@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@zachary_lampley

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@KarateAlien

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

@iwearaonesie

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!