*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Duck typos.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing