[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Animal poetry
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.