Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.