[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any