Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
this FaceApp is creepy af
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.