Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What do you hear?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.