Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
2023 was just a warmup
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?