Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Blew my mind.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.