Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m not lazy
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
More like Kate Missington.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Spring of Deception
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!