Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.


If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.


Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?


Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.


I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.


I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.