@Kyle_Raney

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

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@sixfootcandy

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

@QwertyJones3

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

@RodLacroix

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

@emmyblotnick

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.