Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
forgive me baja for i have blast
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Milk Cube
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore