Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Tuesday
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.