Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…