Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan