Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
OH. COME. ON.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime