Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!


Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.


As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now


Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.


You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.


[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]


She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”


Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.


Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.