Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”