Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!



HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours


Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]


I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know


My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums


*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air


Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!


i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it


Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.


Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them


There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends