Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.