HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“Fiona, You up?”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends