Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
So, can we agree on 4 or
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*limbos away from your hug*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out