Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*