Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I can also cook 😂
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?