Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
why am I working on Labor Day
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
hackers play passwordle
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”