Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf