RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
You Might Also Like
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah