Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.