Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I think this cat is broken
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.