Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it