Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You Might Also Like
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!