Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.