Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?