Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.