*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Hotels are back
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known