Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Passed by a old school Math example today.
all that yoga finally paid off
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.